My brain has been all over lately, and hence, no posts. I mentioned in my last post that I am suffering from a possible mid-life crisis, and that is still true. But rather than dwell on my own mortality and the what-ifs of squandered youth, I am trying to focus on how to make life more exciting and beautiful and substantive. It isn't easy, but I am hoping that that will change once I can just accept the fact that I am no longer a kid.
Anyway, I've always been the type of person who walks the edge between introvert and extrovert. When B and I were first rooming together 17 years ago, I remember taking a personality test in which I scored as an INTP. About a year later, I took the same test and scored as an ENTP. I seem to go through phases in which I bounce between really liking the world, people, and social interaction and really being disapointed in the world and people, preferring instead to duck my head and pretend they don't exist. I just took the test again, and am currently an INTP. Take the test yourselves and post your results...
Anyway, I think that I have become increasingly isolated these last few years, and though I'd like to blame it on the culture here in Vegas, or on getting older, I am not entirely convinced those two things are solely to blame. Though, to be fair to myself, I am not the only one who feels this way. And being back to Texas for Christmas and seeing old friends reminded me that I am not incapable of feeling comfortable and connected to people other than Erin.
I often get caught up in my head in trying to determine if my lacking connectedness is because of my age, and wondering if I'd be able to be friends with any of you if we didn't have history. I know it's a pointless mental exercise, but sometimes I can't help it. I AM grateful to have you all as friends, it's just that I wonder at my inability to find others like you in the 8 years we've lived here. Is it really THEM (meaning the 2 million or so people in the Las Vegas Valley) or is it me?
It's not like Erin and I don't socialize; we do, albeit infrequently. It's just that it always seems so shallow. Or, we'll meet people we really seem to connect to, only to have the relationships evaporate. It's something that I can't figure out, and is definitely a part of the larger package of mid-life issues I'm dealing with.
Bleh. I feel like I'm getting all whiney now, and that's not what I wanted to do. I'd intended to just briefly mention my whole nut-job obsessive thought-processes and then move on to more interesting things, but since I've used up so much space already, I'll save the various fluffy bits for my next post, which will be immediately after (or above) this one.
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5 comments:
You have to weed through a hundred or so knuckleheads before you find a friendship worth maintaining. I just don't have those disposable friends anymore. I don't have time for the bullshit. Dotts is a good example. I wouldn't waste my time now.
That's true. I just wish that most my friends didn't live in Texas, because I don't ever see us living there again.
Ah, Austin is alright, if you can stand the elitist liberal snotty hypocrites... if not, there's always the rednecks... and if they don't tweak your nipple... I suggest a good fundamental church.
We have had the same experiences with friends/people. In the 11 years we've been in Austin, I have made one friend that I can really be myself with. She and her husband are in recovery... we met at that Methodist church. There is just something about the quality of a friendship when people are interested in looking inward. Yes, I have we neighbor friends you met, and they are fun in many ways. I certainly see us being friends a long time, but they don't even know we are in recovery.
I'm in a funk too. Well, as you know with the email I sent you. But during this funk, I am ranting and raving and raging against the machine. It's part of my process in this case... and blogging saves B's ear. Often, I am very quiet about these things. Oh well, so much for graceful.
Or you could be like me --- and wrestle with your inner demons by posting ambiguous tidbits on your blog... and trying desperately to understand why what you have, no matter how much you want it to be, is not really what you want. Well, some of it is, but...
Mid-life crisis or just the periodic inner turmoil that surfaces without warning? I don't know... Ugh.
I have met some really cool people recently... and I don't want to share them with my spouse. Why? Because I don't want to be "Tammy, J's spouse" when I am with them -- I just want to be "Tammy". I am trying to figure out why I have to be one or the other...
It's the same thing here.
Friends, good ones who get your jokes and know that when you say "nigger" in a southern drawl, you're making fun of rednecks, not, you know, actually saying "nigger", are very tough to find.
I've been in Austin four years and met exactly ONE person like that ( not counting work people, who have to tolerate my jackassery because I'm kind of the boss ).
There's something about the friends you make in your early and mid-20s that's tough to duplicate.
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