My first shoulder surgery is next Friday. I'm not really nervous, except for the possibility that it may wind up doing nothing to improve things.
This week I finally had a CT scan and an EMG done, both of which are meant to help diagnose the problems in my neck, and hopefully within a few days I'll know more. The not knowing doesn't help things.
The Monday before last, something weird happened. I woke up, and had an almost completely pain-free day. It was incredible! I've been seeing a therapist for a month or so, and it happened to be on that day, and she remarked about how balanced I seemed. I didn't really expect the pain to be gone forever, so I just sort of enjoyed the reprieve, and fantasized about how productive I could possibly be once I get past these nerve issues.
Unfortunately (though not surprisingly) the next day the pain and tingling and numbness were back, and since then, things have returned to the status quo.
I almost wish that that Monday had never happened, but on the other hand, it at least gives me some hope that things can get back to normal. I am beginning to think that stress is playing a much larger role in my ills than I previously realized, and I keep entertaining fantasies of quitting my job and finding a new life where I can fish, and play poker, and write (and I won't have to force myself to do it!) whenever I want, and I'll want to do all those things and more, because I won't have to worry about being a good parent, or a loving husband, or a good friend, because I'll just naturally be those things already, once I'm free from the burdens of adulthood.
I wish.
What it really boils down to though, is that I'm just kind of melancholy at the moment for having to grow old, and nostalgic for those times in my youth where I really didn't have any stress, and where there was plenty of time in the future to worry about things like work, or my family, or my health, or whatever. I miss those days.
But in reality I'd never really just up and quit my job. I like my job. I'd even do it for free (or at least most of it) if I had the financial means not to need it. It's just that sometimes it gets overwhelming, and sometimes you ask yourself the question, "Is the impact I'm having worth the personal sacrifices it costs?"
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I miss youth too. Not so much for how I looked, as for how I felt. I was less tired, less busy, and therefore less cranky. I could fantasize about all those things we fantasize about before actually getting or having them: family, husband, wedding, children, career. Once we get them, we must sustain them. We don't just get to have them... well maybe the wedding. We just get to have the wedding; it's a brief event, not something to sustain for a long period of time like a career, or a marriage, or a child. I miss things being new. I miss the unexpected. I miss the way I felt alive because of the new and unexpected things surrounding me. Now, all those things are familiar and routine. My body could do just about anything, and I had time to "be" whatever I wanted... go back to school and be a doctore, no problem... and so on.
I hope you feel better soon! I am sorry you are in pain.
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