Facebook Top 5

Top five reasons I should kill myself:

1. I am tired of hurting.
2. Hardly anyone would care, not really.
3. Life is just not fair, and I can't get over that.
4. I eventually hurt everyone I love.
5. That would show them.

Don't worry, I'm not actually suicidal. I just had a difficult day today. I was thinking about how when you're feeling shitty, it sometimes seems as though the feelings will never change. I was thinking, I can understand how someone could want to end things. Why someone would want to end things. But I don't. Want to end things, that is. I know that feelings are transient, and to use an AA slogan, "This too shall pass."

I was thinking about how in the last few days I have sent friend requests to five people on Facebook, all of whom I was extremely close to at one time, and none of them have responded. A few of them I know for a fact were hurt by something I did or failed to do, and a few of them I just lost contact with. But the fact that I can hardly find anyone from my past, and that most of the few I have found are not interested in talking to me, has kind of got me down.

So as I was driving home, I was thinking about this recurring theme in my life, being on the outside looking in. Not belonging. Suffering the kind of social status where my friendships were always peripheral. The kind where I was always the caller, and never the called. Where I wasn't missed when I didn't show up, and I wasn't included unless there was something I had that was needed. The sort where no one would care when I was gone.

But it wasn't always that way. For most of my life I've swung like a pendulum between two social worlds, the lonely and empty one above, and one in which I was at the center of things. Close friends, late nights laughing and having fun, intense love, both romantic and platonic.

But those good times now seem like a dream. And the people from them, the ones I loved and who loved me, simply disappeared. It's been years, five at least, since my social life swung back toward empty. So now I am seeking connections to the past, trying to reconnect, to recapture a little of the good things that were, and I'm turning up empty handed. It's kind of a bummer.

So now I'm wondering, should I be waiting for the other shoe to drop? How did I fuck things up so badly with the other people who used to love me that they won't talk to me ten years later? Am I doomed to do the same thing to those in my life today?

God, I hope not. If we are friends, be my friend and don't let me alienate you; I seem to do it without realizing before it's too late.