Transference, among other things

PRELUDE
I wrote the following post mostly to help myself clarify some confusing and conflicting feelings today. Reading over it now I can see that I blew things out of proportion a little bit with Nick and alot with myself. I am totally proud of Nick, and I am not too worried about his social development. There are some problems there, but they are not as big as I was feeling earlier, and I know he'll learn. I think I've just been transferring some of my own fears and insecurities about myself at his age onto him, and I let those fears get the better of me a little today. So take this post with a grain of salt.

I rarely ever feel like I did something completely wrong, but today was one of those days.
I could make up excuses (I can be quite convincing) like I was tired, not feeling well, my allergies blahblahblah... but the fact of the matter is I had some lousy parenting moments today.
Nick had his first swim meet today, and we drove across town, spending 5 or so hours at the pool. So he's 13, but he's still sized like the average 10 yr. old, and he was competing against bigger kids, some of whom are a good 18 inches taller and 60 pounds heavier than he is. He is definitely the smallest in his division by a huge margin.
Now, I told him that I didn't care if he placed or not (I don't) and that I just wanted him to perform his best so we could get some times set for him to compete against in the future. At this point that is all I think he needs to worry about. He's a good swimmer, and yes, very small, but that doesn't worry me. What did worry me was that he didn't put his goggles on correctly, so in the middle of his medley he kept stopping his stroke to refit them; then they eventually fell off. He also disqualified himself in his first heat, and he did the butterfly and the breast stroke like he had never learned how to do them. Even while doing the backstroke, which is his strongest, he was zigzagging and his legs were limp. He was a good 20 seconds behind the next to last competitor, and he was disqualified for not touching the wall correctly.
So anyway, I wanted to be supportive, but at the same time I didn't want to tell him he did a good job when he very obviously fucked up; if he were a new swimmer, that would be one thing, but he's not; he knows how to do a proper butterfly and breast. So when we were waiting for the next event, I told him not to worry about the first heat, and to look at the mistakes he made and correct them in the next events. I told him I didn't care what place he came in, only that he finishes the upcoming races having done the strokes correctly as best he was able.
So anyway, as we're talking, I was getting increasingly frustrated with him because he simply does not know how to carry on a conversation. I would be talking, and out of nowhere he asks a question about something completely unrelated to swimming... then he stares away, then he starts humming... it was really starting to irritate me, so I started to berate him about how disrespectful it is, and how people feel like you have no regard for them when you show them that what they are saying is so unimportant as to not be worthy of your attention.
Anyway, I just couldn't let it go for the rest of the meet, because he just kept on not listening. It's like when I used to call him and we'd be talking on the phone and then he'd start talking to his mom in the middle of my saying something. Sometimes it is like he just doesn't have the time for you when you are talking to him, and when he's like this it is very frustrating...

So anyway, he did much better in the next heat, which was the 100m freestyle. He didn't come in last, and his stroke was much better. The 3rd event was the butterfly, and he started out awesome, and was totally beating the kid he was racing, but he just didn't pace himself correctly and completely fizzled out in the last lap; his opponent beat him by .3 of a second. I was really happy with the way he did these two events, even though he came in second to last and last; he was doing his strokes the right way and he was pushing himself. We had a good-sized gap between this and the next event, so we bought a sno-cone and sat in the shade trying to stay cool.
Then he had the 100m breast stroke. This was the one that disqualified him in the medley, and I really wanted him to do it right. The short story is be bombed it; he didn't get DQ'd, but that was only because they didn't catch him making the same mistake he'd made before, but we did; he only touched the wall w/ one hand. Then he also didn't take his 2 1/2 strokes under the water, which is a huge deal in swimming this stroke correctly. He also wasn't putting his head under, and he wasn't doing his kicks correctly. I was pretty pissed. He finished 26 seconds later than the next to last competitor, and a full 1:10 less than the first place finisher in his heat.
Now, I really don't care much about how he places, and I know breast is his weakest stroke, but he swam it like he had never learned how to do it. The mistakes he made, though, were not from a lack of knowing how, and they weren't even from his lack of power (which he's working on.) I don't know where they came from.
Anyway, when he came over to us and asked how he did, I told him it wasn't very good. I didn't yell, and I didn't harp on, but I didn't lie either. Then, I felt tremendously guilty for being a little angry and embarrassed that he had bombed it. I know now that I should have told him that I was proud he completed the event, and that the point of entering all the events was to see where his strengths were, but I didn't. I just told him we needed to work on that stroke.
Anyway, when we were leaving, I tried to shift the focus back to the fact that the main thing that was important was that we now had times, and that his goals should focus on improving those times and on getting more endurance, especially in his kicks. And while we're talking he does the whole let me show you that I'm ignoring everything you are saying by not looking at you while you speak and then saying something completely unrelated to what you are talking about routine, and I just kind of snapped. I didn't say any more about his swimming, but I did yell at him about how totally rude it is to respond that way to someone who is talking to you, and then I started into him about how if that is the way he participates in conversations with his peers, he can expect people to either ignore him or pick him out as someone to tease. No one likes to be discounted when they are speaking, I tell him, and he'd better learn how to listen to people if he wants to succeed in school as well as swimming, or anything else for that matter.
Then he switches back to swimming. I can see he's trying to do like I'm asking, he's trying to keep his end of the conversation, and so he says do you think I'll win a medal? I think probably will. And in my head I'm like what? he can't be serious. But all I say is, well, not if you don't improve over today's performance, and he says what do you mean? And it's like he hasn't listend to a word I've said all day. He doesn't seem to realize that with the exception of the 100m freestyle, he came in last in every race today. So I tell him, and he looks genuinely suprised. I tell him not to worry about it, that our goal today was to get times, and that now that we have them, the goal should be to improve on them. He says I'll probably get a medal for backstroke tomorrow, and I say, well, you certainly have a chance if you put in your best effort, but don't focus on what place you take, focus on doing your strokes correctly and pushing yourself. Then I add, you'll have to focus better than you did today though, and I immediately regret it and ask myself what is wrong with you?
And so the rest of the evening came. We grilled Quesadillas, then did our chores. His is to clean the bathroom, and I was in there with him, showing him how to use this extended scrubber for the tub, and the whole listening issue came up again. He was doing it all wrong (I wasn't being a nit-picker here, he really wasn't getting the area clean) and I had to repeat to him several times simple instructions like to turn on the water. He was just ignoring me, and was doing things wrong, and in my head I'm like, why the hell should I have to even be sitting here explaining to a 13 yr old boy how do do something as simple as scrubbing the tub, a 9 yr old could figure this out on their own, and on top of that, he's not even listening to me?!
And then, I start raising my voice repeating each simple step over and over again until I'm yelling at him to do what I'm saying. I'm just frustrated. I'm thinking how goddamned hard is it to figure out that you've got to turn the water on before you can rinse something off.
So then I wake up and realize I'm yelling at him, which isn't doing anything productive, so I pause and tell him, look, it's not ok to do a half-assed job, and he looks back at me and says sometimes it is, and I just wonder, where the hell does this attitude come from? I realize then that he's not being belligerent, he's just got no idea that any of the things I've been nagging him about today are a big deal. He just seems to think that I'm blowing things out of proportion, and he's just waiting for me to be done so he can go back to doing the same old thing he's used to doing.
Anyway, we end the evening by watching the season 2 finale of Lost, and having had a few hours to reflect on the day, I realize how many stupid things I did today in the parenting department. I tell him I'm glad he competed today, and that I know I was hard on him, but not to take that as my not being proud of him. He goes to bed, and now I am asking myself, am I really proud of him, or am I just saying that to ease my guilt over my own behavior today? The fact is I AM proud of him. I just don't know how to be supportive. So I sat down and googled "how to be a supportive parent" and I came across this link. Reading over it, I can see where I need to do things differently at the meet tomorrow. Thinking on the day, and rereading my post, I can see that I went a bit crazy today. I didn't do a good job of letting him be himself, and I really need a lot of practice in finding the line between being supportive and being controlling. Tomorrow I'm going to do better.

It was bound to happen...

Sad, but true... Today I finally succumbed to a pop-up ad. I didn't actually buy anything, of course, but the ad was entertaining enough to make me pay a visit to it's home-site.
I guess that it says something about me how easily I am amused, but in honor of Brannon, I typed in "Would you like me to be your sausage wallet?" and the result (in several languages and accents) made me giggle like a school girl. Click here if you'd like to know what I'm talking about.

Buttering up the whisker biscuit

OK,

I've been berated into posting and accused of intentional withholding (which is not true, btw) and so I'll fumble through a post and hope for the best. I did post on my other blog, but whatever.

I want to thank E for the link in her latest blogpost, because I laughed outloud more than once.

Not much of interest is happening right now. We are just adjusting to the new life of school and parenthood, and the oppressive heat is keeping us from doing much (still hitting 108 plus ever day for the last several weeks, barring 1 day.) It has been a joy with Nick here, and he's doing well. We're beginning to realize how much he costs though (alot,) and we're waiting for his mom to call the AG so we can stop paying the support now that he's here. He's taking viola, doind an hour an a half of swimming every day, and basically just living the life of your average 8th grader. I am resisting making my blog a Nicky fan-site though, so enough about him (except this pic!)

So when I feel inspired, I'll post more. :)

For now, the heat, school, and day-to-day life are just sort of settling over me and I'm still adjusting.