It is still better than dealing with a goddamned HMO…

As I ran through the streets of Tijuana, the sun beating down on my head, a glass jar filled with formaldehyde and my wife’s recently removed tumor clutched between my sweaty palms, I reflected on the absurdity of what I was doing, and came to the conclusion that weird though it may be, is was still better than the alternative.

Living in Mexico, but just south of the border, we figured it would be better to let “real” doctors state-side take care of us should the need ever arise. As we saw it, there was no sense in jeopardizing our health by letting sub-standard doctors in Mexico work on us when the good old U.S. of A was just 30 miles away. As a result, we had been paying 900 dollars a month for good, safe, reliable, American health insurance.

The only problem was, when need did arise, we couldn’t just go see our doctor. Well, we didn’t even actually have a doctor per se. In fact, we never saw the same doctor twice. It was always the same story; “Your physician is on an indefinite leave of absence; would you like to see his/her assistant? We have an appointment available in five weeks.”

Though this state of affairs was inconvenient, it was bearable. We paid our dues and went in annually for our physicals, and didn’t really think much about it. Then, a little more than year ago, my wife developed a lump behind her right ear.

So we called to schedule an appointment, and in 5 weeks we met with a new PA, who, knowing nothing of my wife’s history, consulted her chart and gave her an “in depth” evaluation before concluding, Duh, that she had a tumor behind her right ear that should be looked at. Then we were given a referral, and, 7 weeks later, another evaluative exam by another doctor, and then, 7 weeks after that, they removed the damned thing.

When it was finally done, I did what anyone might do; I did the math. Nine hundred dollars a month works out to about thirty dollar a day. Multiply that times 133 days, and you get $3990. For this, we had two 15 minute evaluations, and a 45 minute procedure to remove the tumor. That works out to $3192 an hour, or $52.20 per minute for her treatment. And that isn’t including the co-pays.

Only they didn’t get it right, and it grew back. Bigger than before.

There was no sign of the tumor for several months after the surgery. The doctor had pronounced it benign, and assured us it would not come back. And then one morning my wife woke up to notice it was back. It was just a small lump, but definitely different than the scar tissue. We called the HMO, and surprise, surprise, they told us to schedule an appointment; they had one available in five weeks. If we were very concerned we could always go to an urgent care center, blah, blah, blah…

So we quit paying our insurance and decided to gamble with medicine La Raza style.

Now, we have lived in Mexico for many years, and it is quite different than the States. Less regulation means more creativity in solving problems, whether it be at the auto shop, where I once had my exhaust manifold fixed with baling wire and corn syrup, or at the phone company, where a technician used a box knife and duct tape to patch our faulty line into the neighbor’s. Unconventional, but the bottom-line is that the problems were fixed.

So why not see a doctor? It couldn’t be much worse than what we dealt with in the states, and hopefully, bottom-line, they would fix the problem.

And so, here I am, taking my wife’s tumor to the lab for a biopsy while the doctor waits in his office for the results. The doctor told me that the lab was only six blocks away, and that if I went two streets past Avenida de Revolucion I would bump right into it. They’d be able to get the results back to me within a few hours, he said, and there’s a taco stand just across from the lab with the best tacos al pastor in the Mercado, and I should try them.